A couple of months ago, I spent an evening with newfound queer friends on the early morning streets of Brooklyn deconstructing apologies. We simply told each other to stop saying “sorry”—there was no need to be sorry. When I say apologies, I mean the tiny ones we give out every day. The one where someone bumps into you but you open your mouth first. Or the one where someone interrupts you, but you somehow find yourself shutting up and giving them the floor.
I spent my childhood apologizing.
I apologized for so many things: being too loud and taking up too much space. I changed my behavior, and then eventually I found myself saying sorry again, but this time for being too quiet and not saying enough.
The world asks so much of us (insert any identity that is not a white man). Quite frankly, for all the ways we have been expected to stretch and contort ourselves, I do not feel the world has even given much in return.
I look at many of the Black women in my life. They epitomize my image of the word selfless. My mother gave up her evenings and weekends to cart me and my sister to all of our activities. My thesis advisor painstakingly went over every line of text, and because of her, I had no edits to make after my defense.
And it is no coincidence that in my journey to finding love for myself, I did some pretty reckless things, but many of the Black women in my life were the few true believers that stuck things out.
Their sacrifice and decision to give me the benefit of the doubt paid off.
Maybe they granted me this courtesy because, at the time, the world still viewed me predominantly as a man. Realistically speaking, how often has it paid off to give a man a second chance…
And how often though do we extend that same grace to women though? To gender-diverse (transgender, nonbinary, and queer) people?
Why are we vilified for the same things that men do so selfishly and seamlessly?
How often have we seen men drag their loved ones through the dirt because of the issues they had within themselves?
Why is it that men are extended so much more grace, while we simultaneously give so much more and receive so much less from the men in our lives?
It all has to do with how we are socialized, and the very gendered relationship we have towards accountability. As a man, I was socialized queerly. I was taught to stretch for love, to think of others, and to place their needs before myself. All of these things are ways we typically socialize young girls to behave. I was taught to expect and receive criticism and to use it to grow—not run away from the people that I love, and that love me.
We don’t set the same standards for boys and men, and the results have been disastrous.
Let’s start calling these socialization tactics methods of oppression because until we start teaching everyone to behave the same way, we are knowingly setting everyone up for failure.
It was a shock to my system to realize that a lot of young children today still face this kind of oppression. A mom chastised her daughter right in front of us, telling her to move out of the way. Her daughter was “taking up too much space.” Mind you: we had plenty of room to pass through and the kid was literally just minding her business and behaving very well at an otherwise adult-centered event.
The daughter’s response: “sorry.”
We need to throw “sorry” out. It is overused, never truly meant, and ultimately self-deprecating.
Every time I utter sorry, I unconsciously tell a piece of myself that I should not be here—I should not be taking up space. A lot of men (not all!) take up space all time, and when was the last time you heard them utter, “sorry.” A lot of men still spread their legs on the train, they don’t move off the sidewalk when it’s narrow, and they can’t be bothered to ask or think about anyone but themselves.
This unfair expectation of apologies, but only for certain identities, is just another manifestation of how performative and unjust our social interactions are in today’s world. We hear a lot of lip service about how everyone is equal and respected, but then women receive backlash and are even killed, for behaving the same way as men.
This aversion to accountability or even admitting wrongdoing is pervasive and if men continue down this path they are only going to continue to alienate themselves from the people in their lives; from the true love in their lives.
This is for the men: even if you do find people that will tolerate your terrible behavior, I can assure you those people do not truly love you.
I bet you as soon as there is nothing to gain, they will be gone.
Everyone: Let’s start normalizing expecting more from the men in our lives. Let’s start calling them out on their unseemly behavior. Let’s stop rewarding their mediocrity. The bare minimum simply will not fly in a world where everyone else is expected to give 110%.
And you know what: you know who has gotten the real brunt of all of this mess? Gender-diverse people. I have seen the most shameless behavior directed at people like me—just because we look and think differently. The same behavior, done by a cis-man or cis-woman, would not receive nearly as much speculation or judgment.
Let’s talk about how a lot of gays police us in our own safe spaces, and make us feel like we don’t belong.
We are the safe space!
Why else do men, women, and queer people alike all say they feel safe with me.
Instantly.
Gender-diverse people have been berated, attacked, and made to feel so small for doing all the things everyone else gets to do without batting an eye and I’m done.
I’m done.
I’m done shrinking myself down, feeling bad for taking up space, and feeling like an afterthought in a world full of people that benefit immensely from all that I bring to the table. I have seen the way we [gender-diverse and Black femmes specifically] love. You can’t find this at the store! Yet, you treat us like trash. Even worse, you all act like we can’t find a million Beckys and Chads at bodegas and Spätis all around the globe (and I know they’re there!).
You bend over backward for them though, you center them as your lovers, and prioritize them as your best friends.
Ask me how I know.
Stop giving mediocre people the kind of grace and love you fail to give me, and you certainly fail to give yourself. Stop apologizing for all the things that you are that others have told you to leave at the door because those are the very things I cherish you for. Please stop giving up your autonomy to people that are only trying to see you fall.
I want to see you fly, baby—because I’m flying so high right now.
Unfortunately, this is going to take time (not that long though), and cis-gendered (and even trans people in the binary, hello) are going to be threatened.
I have witnessed this growth firsthand! It’s all about deconstructing our socialization, and yes, it is deeply ingrained. I encourage you to lean into the discomfort though because it can be unlearned. You should start to get really comfortable. You deserve to be comfortable. Know that you are safe, you are protected, and you are loved in this power struggle because we are standing firmly in a place of pure intentions.
I do not hate men. By “definition,” I am one. However, I do hate the structures we live within today. The binary is unfair to all of us, but I know things are changing. All it takes is for us all to start reshaping our interpersonal relationships—shifting the power dynamics that dictate that anyone that is not a man and white should be responsible for keeping the world afloat.
That should not be anyone’s job anymore.