The pages of my life seem to dog-ear in Berlin. There are so many markers of who I am rooted in memories of this city. I know this is such a special place, it’s a special time whenever I find myself returning, and one day I’ll be returning permanently.
In the meantime, I must say it is a blessing and a curse to be so transient. Day-to-day, I lose track of time, but also seem to have more than 24 hours in my days. This year was especially chaotic! Four jobs, teaching for the first time, finally getting to share the city with my dear friends again (and my mommy), and beginning to see just how much capacity I have to love myself and others.
I know for certain this is all because of how rooted I am in my praxis of language and the power of manifestation. My friends and I have seen so many mini-affirming moments: little signs we must be doing something right. Even the things that fail us, or the things that feel like setbacks, are just a means to route us to where we need to be. You bounce back way quicker knowing you’re actually landing two steps forward (even if it takes a bit of delusion)!
I want to say it gets easier to come and go, but I think I bawled more this time than I ever have before. We enter and leave each other’s lives every day and it’s a blessing to find people that return to you; that you can return to. There is arguably more I am leaving here this time, but that also means there is so much more to return to as well. I’ve yearned my whole life for this kind of love. It summons and requires a kind of vulnerability that stops feeling like an option. Someone asked me how I first ever did this, how could I drop everything for a curiosity I don’t truly understand? I simply have to cherish my life and these people! Very simple and easy, indeed.
I spent the last 48 hours running around, and there are still so many of you I would have liked to have seen. Yet when you find a home in places, and faces, I think you can finally stop trying so hard to make things happen. The beautiful, small, expansiveness of this city has taught me that you run into each other on the train, or in the shrouding fog of a dance floor, under the buzz of a singular street lamp, and, yes, even in our thoughts. You find each other when you need each other most.
I have stopped saying I’ll miss people, because I know I’ll see you all again. I have stopped taking pictures to stop time, as precious as it is, because I do not want to halt this process of growing into all that I have become. Instead, I can now use these images to make comparisons across this life I have lived. It’s a lot of life lived thus far!
So many questions remain unanswered, but this coming and going, learning to love in spite of pain and confusion, and continuing to trust in this process are all I can do. I turn the page on this chapter, but I know there are still so many pages to write. Thank you for filling my pages.
Migs <3