Hello again,
I’m amazed how the same body can feel so different.
This is the same body that I tried so hard to get away from.
This is the same body that went through a period of literally losing everything (car keys, phones, wallets, and even a rabbit’s foot) because I simply didn’t matter enough.
The same body that seemed to be a question mark in its own palms.
Yet, here I stand today, an exclamation point.
I am fascinated by society’s hatred and love of femininity because I think as a “man” it’s the thing that saved my life.
It’s so fascinating because there’s no hierarchy here (or at least there shouldn’t be); there’s no better or worse. Yet, people disproportionately vilify this side [femininity] of the token [gender] that is arguably most vulnerable.
I can still be a man in this world, despite what others might think. I can also be nothing. And you can certainly perceive me as a woman. Perhaps it’s because I have spent so much time in places that did not serve me, or living in clothes and shoes that did not fit me (literally and figuratively), but I can look at all of those experiences and perspectives and see what really “made” me.
Me.
I could never fit in on either side, so I alone have carved my little space in the middle.
And I value it all. I’m not ashamed.
Maybe it’s like traveling: when we have run far enough away from ourselves, we have to return home eventually and dust off the cobwebs. In many ways, that’s what it feels like, expressing myself as I do now.
I realize it’s only now that many see me as they do. Hell, I’m surprised as well. And I continue to be surprised.
Nonetheless, this has always been me.
For me, this is expansion, and I’m happy to frame it as such. It’s not restrictive or painting blanket statements about what I do or don’t do. It’s an acknowledgement of where I’ve been, and finally a much needed appreciation for all that I am. Today. Not tomorrow.
This expansion also makes me wonder just what exactly the boundaries are for all of us. What parts of yourself do you have lurking in places that you were told to abandon?
I assure you that they are still there.
When we find a way to be in our bodies; a way to feel safe when there is seemingly no reason to be at peace, or to be joyous when storm clouds intend to rain on our parade, we do ourselves a great service. It’s a privilege to express myself as I do, and I acknowledge not everyone can do what I do (yet). For that reason, it is also a mission of mine now to ensure that everyone can do the same one day.
We can, and should be, everything and nothing. Duality!
I love that shit.